A few weeks ago, my home church, Daybreak, asked if I would record my story on the topic of Penetrating the Darkness. Here is what I wrote for the recording:
My name is
Kimberlee and I live and work in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. My main job is to serve
in a Girls Home Orphanage working with 23 girls from ages 8-21. I also get to
work in a tent city doing Community Development, and helping with teams on
week-long trips.
As I’m sure
you have heard, there are many dark places in Haiti. I usually don’t go a day
without seeing a family living in a tent or a mother who can’t feed her child;
children without shoes and a baby without parents; a father desperately trying
to find a job or a husband that abuses his wife. Most of the times, it’s too
much for me to take. I very quickly and easily become overwhelmed.
But, I’m
finding that God’s first desire of me
isn’t to penetrate this darkness in Haiti…it is to penetrate the darkness in my
heart. Those dark places where I find
my worth in what I’m doing - in what I’ve accomplished. Where I see my value
in:
-
How many buildings I have helped build
-
How much food I have handed out
-
How fast the girls I work with are learning computer
skills.
In the midst of trying to rack up
the numbers, I hear God say this:
“Kimberlee,
would you be still long enough to find your worth in me? That no matter what
you do or don’t do, I LOVE YOU. You are already worth it. You are good enough.”
When I first take the time to fill the dark
places in my heart with these truths, I begin to outwardly penetrate the
darkness in Haiti naturally. I can
rest while I am working. Because I can confidently rest in who I am, and not
the measurable outcomes I produce, I am free to take the time to:
-
get to know a Haitian and help teach him how to build
a house alongside of me…even if it means less houses being built
-
to train a Haitian in a skill so she can earn an
income to buy her own food, therefore increasing her self-esteem and
self-sustainability
-
to continue teaching computer classes, ever so slowly
and inefficiently due to my lack of language skills and cultural differences,
trusting that the girls just need me to be present in their lives - seeing my
effort as love.
Penetrating
the darkness is more about slowing down enough to hear the Spirit
speaking. And I heard once before
that the Spirit very rarely respects one’s comfort zones. How true that is! The
Spirit often calls us to take a risk. Not a risk to DO more, or work HARDER, or
SERVE longer. But a risk that is uncomfortable. That thing that usually sits in
my gut and I say, “Ok, God, later. Next
week I’ll talk to that person.” “Next time I see my family I’ll have that
conversation.” “I’ll set boundaries and slow down once school is over.” It is taking a risk to listen to that
Gut feeling – the still, small voice - HERE and NOW in your present and in your
immediate surroundings. Not always in another country, and not always later, when
your kids are grown or you’re retired from your job. But what you feel the Spirit calling you to right NOW.
When I do
this, I soon notice I begin to get messy. It’s not neat and easy and clean! But
it’s worth it. It is truly LIVING. And, like the broken, I find myself calling
out to God for answers. When my best efforts have failed, I am left with
nothing to cling to but frail faith. In a strange twist of divine irony, those
who would extend mercy discover that they themselves are in need of mercy.
Mercy from a great big God who is more than willing to give it. And I begin to
realize that in this whole process, God is changing me. And THAT is where the
task at hand starts!