“Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you…”
Genesis 12:1-3
Haiti…it’s on my heart. It’s been on my heart. Why? Why now? Why Haiti? Can’t I be shown ‘land’ here in the US to live and work and love and play? Do I HAVE to leave my comfortable, secure life? By myself, without a husband? What good can I be in Haiti? These are questions I’ve been pondering the past 6 months. After considerable thought and reflection, the fog around my eyes is slowly being lifted and I am now seeing how much my life has been aligned for such a time as this!
This past June, I traveled to Haiti with a group of friends to work with the organization Awaken Haiti. It was wonderful! It was fun, exciting, enjoyable and all those other great adjectives you associate with something you enjoy. There was nothing hard, painful, or unpleasant about it. Besides helping the people there, I sort of wondered why I went. Usually on trips, I have processed through something that only that trip could have taught me. Not the case with Haiti…I literally just loved every moment. It felt as if I was made for this. Little did I know, there was more behind that week than my eyes could see.
As we prepared to return to the US, we listened to a song called “Awaken”. Our leader mentioned to pay attention to the words of the song and use it as a prayer. But he cautioned us not to seriously pray this prayer unless you were ready for your world to be rocked. The part of the song went like this, “Awaken my heart, awaken my soul. Awaken your power and take control. Awaken the passion to live for you. Awaken me.” As we were flying home, I could not get that out of my head. Was this the beginning of a nudge from God? Why did I feel like I would return to Haiti and was supposed to go back? I had been numerous other places before but never felt this feeling.
Upon landing, I just started thinking, “Ok God, if this is me just thinking it would be cool to live in Haiti, or if it is you actually calling me to go, make it clear. And you’re going to have to make it REALLY clear because I don’t think I’m up for this.”
Well, clear it was…I met two men in the airport (a security guard and cashier) that randomly struck up conversation with me. Both were born and raised in Haiti. But my doubtful mind just thought it was a coincidence, being in Miami, “I’m sure other team members met Haitians”, I thought. Nope, just me! Then driving to church the next morning on the radio, a pastor was speaking all about the story where the master gave his servants talents. One goes out and invests his talents and does well, one goes out and tries but doesn’t produce anything, and one goes and buries his talents. The point was to not be a person who takes his talents and buries them. The master would rather have us take a risk in life and fail then not try at all. Whether we fail or succeed he will say, “Well done my good and faithful servant. You used what I gave you.” Could this be a sign telling me to at least pursue the thought of Haiti? Then I arrive at church and the name of the sermon that day? “Everyone’s Adopted”. And what did I just finish doing in Haiti all week? Working with orphans and widows and people who lost their families. And the point of the sermon was that there are no orphans of God. If we choose to believe, we are all part of God’s family, where our names are known and our gifts are celebrated. But do the families and kids I worked with in Haiti know that? I thought. Or if they know that God has adopted them, do they truly believe it, that they are fully adopted without condition?
I could see with my heart that these were signs from God, but of course, my head got in the way. I questioned, doubted, wrestled and even ran from them for quite some time. But, things kept being put in my path and gentle whispers placed in my ears that kept reminding me to pursue this. I began to retell the experiences I had over the past few months, especially from right when I returned from Haiti. I could feel the excitement in my voice as I retold the tale. One fall night, I got an ear infection and decided to go home to visit my parents. As a 26 year old lying in bed, I remember my mom coming to rub my back and just BE with me. What a comfort! And it hit me; these kids in Haiti don’t have someone to just BE with them. To love them, to listen to them, to sit with them when they are hurting. And then I decided: I wanted to let Jesus use me like that. To BE with these children and people, living in community with them. To teach them that they are known and loved for who they are…beloved children of God.
And so I come back to this…The purpose of life is not to arrive safely at death. I don’t want to just survive, I want to LIVE. Fully live. Yes, I’m scared. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Sometimes I’m scared of failing. Sometimes I’m scared I won’t have enough money, or that people will judge the decision I’ve made. But truthfully, I’ve always been more scared of missed opportunities. Opportunities to be great. To be happy. To inspire others. I don’t want marriage, security, stability, or comfort to be everything sacred to my heart. I am choosing to believe that God’s bidding will be better, more impactful, and in the end, more satisfying than any of the plans I could have put together myself. I am choosing to trust God when my faith is small. And that is why I choose Haiti.
