Surrender

These past few weeks, and I know the ones to come, have not been easy. There are so many mixed emotions, feelings, thoughts...it is a roller coaster. There is so much surrender of what I thought, sadness, unknown, grieving, and stress.

In the book, Hinds' Feet on High Places, the main character, Much-Afraid sums it up best. She is on a journey to the High Places that God has called her, yet at this moment, she is being told to go down into the desert:

"Shepherd," she said despairingly, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us, Shepherd, as you promised."

He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."

"Oh no," she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."

"No," said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible."

Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. "You mean," she said incredulously, "you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why" (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) "it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?"

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed an endless desert, the only path she could see led farther and farther away from the High Places, and it was all desert. 

Honestly, can I just tell you that this is how I have felt many times the past few weeks. The reality of Haiti has sunk in, of what I am leaving behind to be able to go there. I have had to say goodbye to many things and even one very special relationship. I haven't felt the "High Places" and have felt like some of my dreams have been postponed...even stripped away. Even the contradiction of knowing God has called me to this High Place with him, yet seeming like everything is leading me away from that joyous, fulfilled life with Him. It makes no sense to me and is a roller-coaster of emotions.

Then he answered very quietly, "Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me in the desert?"

She was still crouching at his feet, sobbing as if her heart would break, but now she looked up through her tears, caught his hand in hers, and said, trembling, "I do love you, you know that I love you. Oh, forgive me because I can't help my tears. I will go down with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it. Even if you cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please." 

I can't help the tears, I can't help the pain go away...but somewhere deep down inside of me is the Love I know that is there. And even though faint, I am going to trust that the High Places are here right now, even in this desert. That I don't have the answers to some things, or why they have to be a certain way, but I do know God loves me...and He loves me enough to only want good for me, even when that good does not look like what I had in mind.