Endings

Disappointment. Frustration. Anger.

That is what I have been feeling for the past week or so. Since arriving here, I have heard multiple times how much living in Haiti can frustrate a person. Until recently, I've only experienced that frustration on a small scale - a moment here, a moment there.

But last week, that all changed. I could go in to the multiple, and I mean MULTIPLE, events that happened. But, really, they aren't important. What is important is the way they left me feeling - disappointment leading to frustration leading to anger. All the little things added up to one big theme...What are you doing with my life, God? Why am I even here? I don't HAVE to be doing this. I could easily just move back home and not have to deal with all the frustration and disappointment here - all this stuff I have no control over. Ahhhhh!

On Saturday, I decided to sleep-over at the Girls Home. With the state I was in, I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad idea - I didn't want to find myself losing my cool over something ridiculous that might happen there, like it being too hot or having to share a mattress - making a great representation of the 'rich, white American'! :)

Thankfully, that didn't happen! But what did happen has, once again, taught me a lesson in changing my perspective.

A few of the older girls pulled me in their room to sleep. With 6 of us laying on 3 mattresses on the floor, they began grilling me with questions - BOY questions. Do I have a boyfriend? Why not? Have I had a boyfriend? Giggles upon giggles...for the question of the night...had I ever kissed a boy???

Hahaha...I just had to laugh. These weren't little girls I was talking to. They were 17, 20, and 22 year olds. Young women!! Asking me all about kissing a boy, like a middle school sleep-over. At one point, one of the girls even had me stand up to act out who initiates a kiss, the girl or boy. At that point, I lost it!! In a good way...I mean, here I am sleeping at a girls orphanage in Haiti, answering questions on what it's like to kiss a boy!

As I lay there trying to fall asleep with a smile on my face, I thought, "I really need to think about how I'm handling what is making me so angry and frustrated. These girls are 22 and have never even had the opportunity to go on a date, or barely talk to a boy for that matter. They have never been able to leave their house on their own or have any independence." Maybe all these disappointments I had been experiencing were to show me how truly blessed I was?

And then a few days later, I receive this EMAIL. Please take the time to click the link and read the whole email, as these excerpts won't even do it justice:

You don’t get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it.
You don’t get to demand your life, like a given. You get to accept your life, like a gift. 
Beginnings and middles, they are only yours to embrace, to unwrap like a gift.

For the past week, I have been demanding my life - focusing on what I want to do or what I think I need - and when things don't go according to plan, I feel disappointed...and I let that disappointment lead me to frustration and anger.

But you get the endings. You always get the endings.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.

I have been letting my disappointments dictate my endings. I don't think feeling disappointment is wrong, but it is how you handle that disappointment that matters. I'm sure the girls in the girls home aren't always thrilled that they don't have independence or can't go out on a date with a boy. I'm sure they are disappointed that they can't demand how they want their life to go. But something I seem to notice in them is that they ACCEPT IT - and not because they have no other choice. They accept their lives with grace and humility, trusting that God gets to decide, not them. Their choice lies in trusting that God knows best, even in the seemingly disappointing moments.

What if - She let herself be loved whatever way her Lord deemed best. 

The ending of everything is always yours.