And Not a Day Before...

"This is God's word on the subject: 'As soon as Babylon's 70 years are up, and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 

When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I"ll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I"ll make sure you won't be disappointed. God's decree: 'I"ll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you.' God's decree: 'bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.'"

- Jeremiah 29: 10-14

I by no means am insinuating that God sent me into exile to Haiti! Quite the opposite...it was a beautiful time that I wouldn't trade for a second! I just thought this verse was so appropriate on so many levels...You can count on it!

Changes

Being back in the States for a few weeks has been bittersweet. So much to process, so many mixed emotions, so much change and transition. I have had a very hard time articulating anything because there seems to be so much complexity and dynamics to my situation.

Therefore, I have turned to others. In reading some friends' blogs and emails I have been able to identify with them. First, is a friend of mine who lives and works in Haiti with her husband. They work with HaitianCreations, an organization that makes, buys, and sells purses, jewelry, and art made by Haitian women. Her and her husband are in the States for the month of April and she just wrote about many aspects of our US culture that make it hard for her to visit from Haiti. Here are a few I related to:

-There are too many options. Just way too many options. Too many choices of things you can buy in every store...We had to just walk out after like 10 minutes because all the choices were too much. 

-TV. holy cow. So many choices. So much crap. So much addictive crap

-And lastly, my most dreaded reminder we are in the states….

It has a way of making me extremely self conscious. That is something I hate and have to get over. Coming from a place where it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, my shoes are always muddy, my hair is always a wreck, I’m always sweating, to a place where people look beautiful and picturesque all the time is really overwhelming. And a little creepy. Especially working in the retail industry. Mezami. There is always something new and cool, always a new trend, always something bigger, better, prettier, cooler. Coming here always has this effect of making me think “oh I’m not cool enough, or put together enough, or stylish enough, or funny enough.” In Haiti I have waves of guilt for having so many resources, clothes, food, supportive & loving family, but in the states it pinches my side showing me what I “am not” and what I “need to be”. It is a weird feeling, like putting on another pair of glasses with a totally different, warped view. Gross. Ick. Yuck. I hate this feeling. I hate being tricked into thinking it matters what I’m wearing, what I know, how I look, what I have. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. But ohhh….. when I’m here it feels like it matters. This is one of the reasons I get so much anxiety before I come back. I know these things are lies, but I can’t help but always feel this way. I have so much respect for people who are able to stay grounded while living in the states, I think it is an extremely hard feat. Extremely difficult for me at least, I have to admit. 

And from another friends blog who lives and works overseas:

In actuality, my soul longs to live here, because if it didn’t, then I may never make the choices that teach me how to live the life of hope and gratitude that restores the soul.

I am bittersweet about the part that says her soul longs to live there b/c she might not make the choices that teach her how to live a life of hope and gratitude to restore the soul. I miss that part! In Haiti, it was so much easier to make that choice - the choice to need God. Like both of these women say, it is extremely hard to make the choice to live grounded, connected to God while here in the States. There are just so many distractions and it is 'easy' to survive here. I miss that part of Haiti - that part of my soul that it seems no matter how hard I try, I cannot connect with here in the States. 
Layers. Growth. Transformation. Baby steps.

But, as I have thought over the past few days and weeks I have realized that all our stories, our cultures, our ways of living are different. But our souls are the same. We are all crying out for something more - to me, a need for God. And my grief about missing the aspect of Haiti where I needed God, where I clung to Him - just because I'm back in the States doesn't mean I will just naturally go in to default mode and not cling to Him anymore. It's a choice. And, what if God used Haiti as a springboard? To show me HOW to cling to Him because I needed Him. But now using that to springboard into this:

To learn how to cling to Him when I (seemingly) don't need Him.

They all come in the times of transition, of processing what just happened and learning to embrace the changes.

New Beginnings

Below is an email I just sent to my supporters/partners in international work. Obviously, I want to keep everyone who has been following my journey up-to-date. I plan to continue blogging about my experiences, etc...at the moment, just not sure what that will look like. I thank you all for the support, prayers, encouragement, and reading of my blog...

Dear Friends and Family,

I am letting you know that my time in Haiti with AwakenHaiti has come to an end. Last week I returned to the States. While this was not my plans or my timing, I do have peace about it.

My heart has been broken for the girls I worked with. I believe God “used me up” for His purposes while I was there! Since arriving there in August I have learned and grown so much and can truly say I am thankful for it all!

During this time, my pastoral care couple from CTEN, Dick and Birdie Johnson, and Mel Hendrickson, the global ministries director at my church, have been working very closely with me. They have walked through every step of this portion of my journey with me, providing amazing wisdom, experience, knowledge, and spiritual guidance. They have recommended that I should take a month to seek the Lord and discern what I will be doing next - continuing with faith-based work or getting a secular job; staying State-side or going international. As soon as I can, I will be sending a hard copy newsletter to update you on my decision and where that leaves my supporters and partners in ministry.

Please pray for my transition back to the States. Pray for me as I remember my time in Haiti and what I have learned. I want to be open and sensitive to God’s voice about all of this.

Thank you for the continued support. I will be in touch!

“And then what does Jesus directly do, in the face of apparent failure, when no one responded to His teaching and things didn’t work out at all? He gives thanks…eucharisteo. In the midst of what seems a mess, in the tripping up and stumbling down of all hopes, Jesus gives thanks.”