Changes

Being back in the States for a few weeks has been bittersweet. So much to process, so many mixed emotions, so much change and transition. I have had a very hard time articulating anything because there seems to be so much complexity and dynamics to my situation.

Therefore, I have turned to others. In reading some friends' blogs and emails I have been able to identify with them. First, is a friend of mine who lives and works in Haiti with her husband. They work with HaitianCreations, an organization that makes, buys, and sells purses, jewelry, and art made by Haitian women. Her and her husband are in the States for the month of April and she just wrote about many aspects of our US culture that make it hard for her to visit from Haiti. Here are a few I related to:

-There are too many options. Just way too many options. Too many choices of things you can buy in every store...We had to just walk out after like 10 minutes because all the choices were too much. 

-TV. holy cow. So many choices. So much crap. So much addictive crap

-And lastly, my most dreaded reminder we are in the states….

It has a way of making me extremely self conscious. That is something I hate and have to get over. Coming from a place where it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, my shoes are always muddy, my hair is always a wreck, I’m always sweating, to a place where people look beautiful and picturesque all the time is really overwhelming. And a little creepy. Especially working in the retail industry. Mezami. There is always something new and cool, always a new trend, always something bigger, better, prettier, cooler. Coming here always has this effect of making me think “oh I’m not cool enough, or put together enough, or stylish enough, or funny enough.” In Haiti I have waves of guilt for having so many resources, clothes, food, supportive & loving family, but in the states it pinches my side showing me what I “am not” and what I “need to be”. It is a weird feeling, like putting on another pair of glasses with a totally different, warped view. Gross. Ick. Yuck. I hate this feeling. I hate being tricked into thinking it matters what I’m wearing, what I know, how I look, what I have. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. But ohhh….. when I’m here it feels like it matters. This is one of the reasons I get so much anxiety before I come back. I know these things are lies, but I can’t help but always feel this way. I have so much respect for people who are able to stay grounded while living in the states, I think it is an extremely hard feat. Extremely difficult for me at least, I have to admit. 

And from another friends blog who lives and works overseas:

In actuality, my soul longs to live here, because if it didn’t, then I may never make the choices that teach me how to live the life of hope and gratitude that restores the soul.

I am bittersweet about the part that says her soul longs to live there b/c she might not make the choices that teach her how to live a life of hope and gratitude to restore the soul. I miss that part! In Haiti, it was so much easier to make that choice - the choice to need God. Like both of these women say, it is extremely hard to make the choice to live grounded, connected to God while here in the States. There are just so many distractions and it is 'easy' to survive here. I miss that part of Haiti - that part of my soul that it seems no matter how hard I try, I cannot connect with here in the States. 
Layers. Growth. Transformation. Baby steps.

But, as I have thought over the past few days and weeks I have realized that all our stories, our cultures, our ways of living are different. But our souls are the same. We are all crying out for something more - to me, a need for God. And my grief about missing the aspect of Haiti where I needed God, where I clung to Him - just because I'm back in the States doesn't mean I will just naturally go in to default mode and not cling to Him anymore. It's a choice. And, what if God used Haiti as a springboard? To show me HOW to cling to Him because I needed Him. But now using that to springboard into this:

To learn how to cling to Him when I (seemingly) don't need Him.

They all come in the times of transition, of processing what just happened and learning to embrace the changes.