And Not a Day Before...

"This is God's word on the subject: 'As soon as Babylon's 70 years are up, and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 

When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I"ll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I"ll make sure you won't be disappointed. God's decree: 'I"ll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you.' God's decree: 'bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.'"

- Jeremiah 29: 10-14

I by no means am insinuating that God sent me into exile to Haiti! Quite the opposite...it was a beautiful time that I wouldn't trade for a second! I just thought this verse was so appropriate on so many levels...You can count on it!

Changes

Being back in the States for a few weeks has been bittersweet. So much to process, so many mixed emotions, so much change and transition. I have had a very hard time articulating anything because there seems to be so much complexity and dynamics to my situation.

Therefore, I have turned to others. In reading some friends' blogs and emails I have been able to identify with them. First, is a friend of mine who lives and works in Haiti with her husband. They work with HaitianCreations, an organization that makes, buys, and sells purses, jewelry, and art made by Haitian women. Her and her husband are in the States for the month of April and she just wrote about many aspects of our US culture that make it hard for her to visit from Haiti. Here are a few I related to:

-There are too many options. Just way too many options. Too many choices of things you can buy in every store...We had to just walk out after like 10 minutes because all the choices were too much. 

-TV. holy cow. So many choices. So much crap. So much addictive crap

-And lastly, my most dreaded reminder we are in the states….

It has a way of making me extremely self conscious. That is something I hate and have to get over. Coming from a place where it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, my shoes are always muddy, my hair is always a wreck, I’m always sweating, to a place where people look beautiful and picturesque all the time is really overwhelming. And a little creepy. Especially working in the retail industry. Mezami. There is always something new and cool, always a new trend, always something bigger, better, prettier, cooler. Coming here always has this effect of making me think “oh I’m not cool enough, or put together enough, or stylish enough, or funny enough.” In Haiti I have waves of guilt for having so many resources, clothes, food, supportive & loving family, but in the states it pinches my side showing me what I “am not” and what I “need to be”. It is a weird feeling, like putting on another pair of glasses with a totally different, warped view. Gross. Ick. Yuck. I hate this feeling. I hate being tricked into thinking it matters what I’m wearing, what I know, how I look, what I have. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. But ohhh….. when I’m here it feels like it matters. This is one of the reasons I get so much anxiety before I come back. I know these things are lies, but I can’t help but always feel this way. I have so much respect for people who are able to stay grounded while living in the states, I think it is an extremely hard feat. Extremely difficult for me at least, I have to admit. 

And from another friends blog who lives and works overseas:

In actuality, my soul longs to live here, because if it didn’t, then I may never make the choices that teach me how to live the life of hope and gratitude that restores the soul.

I am bittersweet about the part that says her soul longs to live there b/c she might not make the choices that teach her how to live a life of hope and gratitude to restore the soul. I miss that part! In Haiti, it was so much easier to make that choice - the choice to need God. Like both of these women say, it is extremely hard to make the choice to live grounded, connected to God while here in the States. There are just so many distractions and it is 'easy' to survive here. I miss that part of Haiti - that part of my soul that it seems no matter how hard I try, I cannot connect with here in the States. 
Layers. Growth. Transformation. Baby steps.

But, as I have thought over the past few days and weeks I have realized that all our stories, our cultures, our ways of living are different. But our souls are the same. We are all crying out for something more - to me, a need for God. And my grief about missing the aspect of Haiti where I needed God, where I clung to Him - just because I'm back in the States doesn't mean I will just naturally go in to default mode and not cling to Him anymore. It's a choice. And, what if God used Haiti as a springboard? To show me HOW to cling to Him because I needed Him. But now using that to springboard into this:

To learn how to cling to Him when I (seemingly) don't need Him.

They all come in the times of transition, of processing what just happened and learning to embrace the changes.

New Beginnings

Below is an email I just sent to my supporters/partners in international work. Obviously, I want to keep everyone who has been following my journey up-to-date. I plan to continue blogging about my experiences, etc...at the moment, just not sure what that will look like. I thank you all for the support, prayers, encouragement, and reading of my blog...

Dear Friends and Family,

I am letting you know that my time in Haiti with AwakenHaiti has come to an end. Last week I returned to the States. While this was not my plans or my timing, I do have peace about it.

My heart has been broken for the girls I worked with. I believe God “used me up” for His purposes while I was there! Since arriving there in August I have learned and grown so much and can truly say I am thankful for it all!

During this time, my pastoral care couple from CTEN, Dick and Birdie Johnson, and Mel Hendrickson, the global ministries director at my church, have been working very closely with me. They have walked through every step of this portion of my journey with me, providing amazing wisdom, experience, knowledge, and spiritual guidance. They have recommended that I should take a month to seek the Lord and discern what I will be doing next - continuing with faith-based work or getting a secular job; staying State-side or going international. As soon as I can, I will be sending a hard copy newsletter to update you on my decision and where that leaves my supporters and partners in ministry.

Please pray for my transition back to the States. Pray for me as I remember my time in Haiti and what I have learned. I want to be open and sensitive to God’s voice about all of this.

Thank you for the continued support. I will be in touch!

“And then what does Jesus directly do, in the face of apparent failure, when no one responded to His teaching and things didn’t work out at all? He gives thanks…eucharisteo. In the midst of what seems a mess, in the tripping up and stumbling down of all hopes, Jesus gives thanks.”

March Birthdays

Martine Duperval – March 11, 1993 – turns 20 this month. Martine is, by far, one of the leaders of the Girls Home. She is energetic, enthusiastic, and it seems, always involved in all aspects of the Girls Home. There seems to be nothing Martine does not do and enjoy doing. Her favorites are cooking and dancing and singing! With Martine’s excellent English skills, outgoing and social personality, you will often find her MC’ing and hosting the holiday, birthday, and team events we have each month.

Roodley Elie – March 12, 1996 – will be turning 17 this month. Roodley is a very quiet, introverted young man. Although he is very quiet, he interacts with the girls at the Girls Home very well! The brotherly bond he seems to have with some of the girls is very evident and strong. They get so excited to see and spend time with him. Roodley is also a very talented artist. He takes great care and time with his drawings and artwork.

Haitian Foods

Haiti offers a wide variety of foods. From lots of tropical fruits to various forms of rice, beans, and meat. Haitians love lots of spice and oil! Enjoy the tempting pictures and explanations below:


1. Fruits

HUGE Avocados...my Ipod for a frame of reference!

Watermelon

Mango - my favorite!

Bananas

2. Drinks

Dlo, or water in English. This is how a lot of Haitians get water on the street. Just bite and squirt!

Haitian Cola...sort of like bubble gum flavored soda! Not my favorite.

Juice!!! Can be a mix of fresh squeezed grapefruit, orange, or lime juice...with LOTS of sugar!

3. Meals - Below I have pictures of a few different 'standard' Haitian meals. The main meal of the day is eaten somewhere between 1pm and 3pm. For some people this is the only meal they eat, and for others they have a light breakfast and/or bedtime snack.

Meal #1 - 

Rice, Beef in Red Sauce, Bean Sauce , and Fried Accra

Start with a BIG pot of rice...made with lots of oil!

Next comes Beef with Red Sauce - oil, vinegar, bouillon, and veggies.

Bean Sauce!

Haitian Accra - what starts out looking like a potato, the Accra is ground on a cheese grater.

Then fried to make Fried Accra

Meal #2 -

Fried Chicken, Rice and Beans, Pickles, Cooked Veggies, Fried Plantains( I don't think they are pictured but we usually have them with this meal).

Fried Plantains - think of a cross between a banana and a potato. Fry it up once, smoosh it down...

Fry it up twice and your good to go!

The remnants of Fried Chicken - it is cooked in a sauce of vinegar, bouillon, hot sauce, garlic, onion, pepper, and oil. Then it is covered in bread crumbs and deep fried in oil!

Rice and Beans - one of my favorites! It is so simple, yet so good. Viviane makes the best rice and beans I have ever had.

This may look like simple cole slaw, but watch out. It is NOT! It's cole slaw on steroids. Cabbage and carrots make up the main part but the sauce is what gets you. It is one of the hottest foods I have ever eaten due to the special, little red peppers that you find hidden inside!

We Go To Learn

As our February team is preparing to arrive tomorrow, this quote from another International Worker here in Haiti is a great reminder - not just for trips to another culture, but also for our daily lives:

"That’s what mission trips should be about—spiritual development, not pretending that they are about saving the world. Not immediately anyway. They are about saving us. Preparing us. Once that is clear, we can venture into Haiti and other places of need with integrity. 

We go to learn, not to save. The mindset of learners is very different from that of servers. Learners listen to others, servers do for others. Learners ask questions, servers offer answers. Learners marvel at the faith of the poor, servers pity the poor. Learners see ingenuity, servers see poverty. Learners affirm the worth of people, servers diminish their dignity. "

Vivian

Vivian

Vivian says that most Haitians want to go to America because they think that will fill them. She says when she was younger and a baby Christian, she thought the same. But not now. Now she wants to stay in Haiti because God fills her heart in Haiti. She doesn't need to go to America. But, if she would go to America, God would fill her heart there, too. Vivian says, God is everywhere!!!

Vivian is one of our Haitian staff who cooks for us when teams are here. She is a great cook! But more than that, Vivian is just one of those few people who just 'gets it' in life. She is the cliche saying, "She works so hard but is so happy." Vivian has a 13 year old son who is severely autistic. In a country that doesn't have means to care for most people, to love and care for a special needs child is rare. Vivian and her husband go far above just caring for him...they adore him! Often, Vivian asks me if I will pray that one day her son would be able to speak.

And Vivian loves people! I can barely speak to her yet I can tell she is a lover of life. She loves her church and the women she is friends with. She loves her child. She loves her husband. She loves God. She loves the 'additional' children that come to live with her. She loves the people she serves. And, she loves me.

Often, she shows me this love in off-beat ways. Vivian once came up to me, wrapped her arms fully around my body and picked me up off the ground - right in the middle of the kitchen. She was thanking me for giving her exercises for the pain in her back. Little did she know that at that moment, she was probably hurting her back even worse, ha! She also tells me that every night she is here she prays for me - that God will bring me a husband soon (so sweet, yet gets old EVERY night she tells me! ). And...she told me, "You got big" when I came back from America! Great, thanks, Viv! Apparently she doesn't know that's NOT a compliment in an Americans eyes :).

Regardless of how Vivian tells me she loves me, I know she loves me. Because she sees that God is everywhere, she CAN love me. She's not loving me to get somewhere else in life, or because she thinks I will provide her with an opportunity to move up in the world. Because she knows God loves her here and now, and is content in that, she can love me truly and freely.

And it got me thinking...do I really believe God is everywhere? He is here right now, when a woman in Haiti picks me up off my feet. He is here even when I feel uncomfortable in my body as it's hot and sweaty and not the 'perfect' size I'd like it to be. He is here as I'm living my life as a single woman. He IS everywhere, IN everything. He is not just in my 'ideal' life, but in ALL the other times - even more than in my ideals.

And when, for a moment, I grasp deep in my heart what Vivian says...that God is everywhere, I finally feel free to love the moment I am in and all that it holds!

Birthdays

For the past few months, I have been writing brief updates on each of our Good Samaritan kids during the month of their birthday. They are posted on the AwakenHaiti blog, but I thought I would start posting them on my blog too! It is a good way for people to get to see, and know, a little about each of the kids I get to work with!

JANUARY

Frankline Belange – January 1, 1998 - will be 15 this month. Frankline is a very athletic girl. She often keeps to herself and doesn’t talk a lot, but when it comes to games and sports she is always playing hard. Her quiet demeanor gets pushed aside when it comes to competition – she loves it! Once in a while, you will catch Frankline with her friends being silly and goofy – but only if no one is watching.

Gina Michel – January 11, 1998 - turns 15 this month. Gina is an extremely sweet, caring girl. She enjoys the simple things in life! You will often find her holding one of the cats at the girls home, or her Barbie doll. When teams come, Gina loves to find one person to sit with, hold their hand, and talk to. She has a great big smile, along with a great big heart!

Judith Rodney – January 17, 1998 - turns 15 this month. Judith is one of our ‘go-to’ girls when it comes to decorating for parties and activities. She is very creative and an excellent crafts-person. Judith is also one of our best dancers in gym class.

Loubens Lector – January 15, 2008 - turns 5 this month, along with his twin brother Loubenson. Loubens is often shy and will quietly go about his day. But, once he opens up, he is very sweet and loves to be held. Loubens also is a fan of tickling! Both he and his twin brother LOVE to dance, Loubens being the more particular dancer, trying to do the moves correctly.

Loubenson Lector – January 15, 2008 – turns 5 this month, along with his twin brother Loubens. Loubenson is full of energy and has a great big personality. He will usually be found talking, climbing things, wrestling, or running throughout the house. Like his brother, Loubenson has a soft side and can be found giving out hugs and and kisses to the girls in the home. Loubenson also likes to free-style dance!

DECEMBER

Daphney Belfond – December 4, 1994 – Daphney turns 18 this month. Daphney shares a birthday month with her younger sister Marie-Ange. Daphney is a very quiet, introspective young woman. She is very smart. Daphney has said she really enjoys reading and writing. Her English skills are some of the best in the Good Samaritan homes!

Marie-Ange Belfond – December 13, 1998 – Marie-Ange will be turning 14 this month. She shares a birthday month with her older sister Daphney. Like her older sister, Marie-Ange is very smart. She is beginning to mature and be very motivated to use her mind and learn. This past fall, she had the fastest and most accurate typing skills in Computer class, clearly improving each week!      

     

Carme-Suze Desance – December 10, 1995 – Carme-Suze will be 17 this month. You will very rarely find Carme-Suze without a smile on her face! She is full of life and energy, and very out-going. Carme-Suze is also the ‘queen of the cards’ when it comes to playing various card games with the other girls. She almost always wins!  

Lovely Francois – December 21, 1998 – Lovely turns 14 this month. Lovely is a beautifully tall girl who has a mild way about her. When asked about what she would like to do when she gets older, she said she would like to design clothes. Lovely seems to always be mixing and matching different clothes and hairstyles for various occasions!

Sandra Gillaume – December 13, 1996 – Sandra will be 16 this month. Sandra has really been working on developing her English skills. Because of this, she has been able to help translate sponsor letters and work alongside teams to translate. As a result, Sandra is blossoming out of her quiet personality into a confident young woman. 

 NOVEMBER

Manoucheca Jean Baptiste – November 6, 1993 – Manoucheca is 19 years old this month. She is one of the care-takers of the group. You can find Manoucheca cooking, doing laundry, taking care of the younger children, and helping around the house as needed.  Manoucheca also enjoys singing and often sings solos at birthday parties and other events the children organize.  

Love Cazeau – November 28, 2000 – Love turns 12 years old this month. Love is  very outgoing and friendly girl.  She enjoys almost anything she does. She is a very well-rounded girl who really loves Gym class and volleyball. She has a great personality and is often the one greeting visitors at the door of the girls home.

Phaline Cledanor – November 30, 1990 – Phaline turns 22 this month. Her twin sister is Phara. Phaline is in her 2nd year of a 2-year nursing program. She loves to care for others. She loved working in the clinic in Canaan this summer and hopes to have the opportunity to do clinic again. Phaline would love to give back to others someday by using her nursing skills and caring, loving personality!

Phara Cledanor – November 30, 1990 - Phara turns 22 this month. Her twin sister is Phaline.  Phara is a smart, independent girl who knows what she wants. You will find her studying and working hard on her schooling. Phara can also be silly - joking around and playing with the younger children.

OCTOBER

Kevencia Cazeau – October 7, 1996- Kevencia will be 16 this month.  She can often be found doing chores around the house, taking care of others, and joking with the AWAKENHAITI staff. Kevencia tends to joke and pick on people because that is how she shows love and care.  She is also quite the daredevil. When swimming this summer, Kim was doing tricks in the pool and Kevencia tried them all.  She is willing to task a risk for the sake of experiencing something.

Lens Belval- October 10, 2002- Lens is 10 years old this month.  He is always on the move, full of energy and loves to be the center of activity.  Lens loves to perform songs and show his smooth moves at the monthly birthday parties.  He enjoys playing soccer!

Resinette Forestral – October 27, 1992 Resinette will be 20 this month.  Resinette is a very sensitive girl and loves talking with people.  She has a very caring heart and wants to help those in need.  Resinette is determined to learn English and will often practice by writing letters.  She enjoys when teams come because she can meet new people and practice her English.

Wilmine Cledanor –October 29, 1995 Wilmine will be 17 this month.  She works very hard to be sure she is doing a task correctly.  On our field trip to Wynne Farm, she picked up on knitting very quickly. Because of this, she was eager to teach others in her group exactly how it was done! She is incredibly helpful. Wilmine also loves to dance!  She has a very silly side and loves to get others laughing.

Endings

Disappointment. Frustration. Anger.

That is what I have been feeling for the past week or so. Since arriving here, I have heard multiple times how much living in Haiti can frustrate a person. Until recently, I've only experienced that frustration on a small scale - a moment here, a moment there.

But last week, that all changed. I could go in to the multiple, and I mean MULTIPLE, events that happened. But, really, they aren't important. What is important is the way they left me feeling - disappointment leading to frustration leading to anger. All the little things added up to one big theme...What are you doing with my life, God? Why am I even here? I don't HAVE to be doing this. I could easily just move back home and not have to deal with all the frustration and disappointment here - all this stuff I have no control over. Ahhhhh!

On Saturday, I decided to sleep-over at the Girls Home. With the state I was in, I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad idea - I didn't want to find myself losing my cool over something ridiculous that might happen there, like it being too hot or having to share a mattress - making a great representation of the 'rich, white American'! :)

Thankfully, that didn't happen! But what did happen has, once again, taught me a lesson in changing my perspective.

A few of the older girls pulled me in their room to sleep. With 6 of us laying on 3 mattresses on the floor, they began grilling me with questions - BOY questions. Do I have a boyfriend? Why not? Have I had a boyfriend? Giggles upon giggles...for the question of the night...had I ever kissed a boy???

Hahaha...I just had to laugh. These weren't little girls I was talking to. They were 17, 20, and 22 year olds. Young women!! Asking me all about kissing a boy, like a middle school sleep-over. At one point, one of the girls even had me stand up to act out who initiates a kiss, the girl or boy. At that point, I lost it!! In a good way...I mean, here I am sleeping at a girls orphanage in Haiti, answering questions on what it's like to kiss a boy!

As I lay there trying to fall asleep with a smile on my face, I thought, "I really need to think about how I'm handling what is making me so angry and frustrated. These girls are 22 and have never even had the opportunity to go on a date, or barely talk to a boy for that matter. They have never been able to leave their house on their own or have any independence." Maybe all these disappointments I had been experiencing were to show me how truly blessed I was?

And then a few days later, I receive this EMAIL. Please take the time to click the link and read the whole email, as these excerpts won't even do it justice:

You don’t get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it.
You don’t get to demand your life, like a given. You get to accept your life, like a gift. 
Beginnings and middles, they are only yours to embrace, to unwrap like a gift.

For the past week, I have been demanding my life - focusing on what I want to do or what I think I need - and when things don't go according to plan, I feel disappointed...and I let that disappointment lead me to frustration and anger.

But you get the endings. You always get the endings.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.

I have been letting my disappointments dictate my endings. I don't think feeling disappointment is wrong, but it is how you handle that disappointment that matters. I'm sure the girls in the girls home aren't always thrilled that they don't have independence or can't go out on a date with a boy. I'm sure they are disappointed that they can't demand how they want their life to go. But something I seem to notice in them is that they ACCEPT IT - and not because they have no other choice. They accept their lives with grace and humility, trusting that God gets to decide, not them. Their choice lies in trusting that God knows best, even in the seemingly disappointing moments.

What if - She let herself be loved whatever way her Lord deemed best. 

The ending of everything is always yours.

Connecting Two Worlds

One of the neatest parts of living in Haiti is getting to watch the stuff that doesn't actually take place in Haiti! By that, I mean, watching how the communities and people-groups I belonged to in the States have really come alongside of me and gotten to experience Haiti as well. It is so neat to see how all these different communities have chosen to get involved in Haiti and live for something more - more than just their daily jobs and routines, more than just their typical life, and more than just watching my journey, actually becoming a part of it.

Just two examples:

1. The team we are hosting in March is made up of my parents, aunt and uncle, a few couples from the church I grew up in, and a few teachers and residents from Hershey where I used to teach. That, in and of itself, is so cool! But, they have been doing a few fundraisers for their trip. One of them is hosting 5 weekly Zumba classes throughout January. From what I understand, close to 40 people have shown up for the weekly classes!!! And the best part is...some of the dances they are doing are ones that I have been teaching the girls at Good Samaritan. Check out one of our dances below:

2. Before I left, I was doing a few speaking engagements to various groups about what it was I would be doing, etc. One of those groups was a youth group in Hershey. The following night after I met with them, I received an email from one of the high school girls, Gabi. She asked if she could put together an 'art packet' for the girls and boys to make bracelets. The following day I picked up all the supplies she had bought and put together. This December, a team and I spent the morning helping the kids create bracelets! Two different cultures, two different worlds...united by One purpose!

Some of the bracelet supplies! Thank you Gabi!!!

Loubens and Loubenson hard at work!

Frankline and Love trying to figure out how to mix colors.

Yviolene, proud of her finished bracelet. Notice the paint on her forehead!

Bracelets, drying in the sun!

Nadia's final product!

Laughter

If you have ever traveled to another country or interacted with someone from another culture, you might find that it is hard to connect with one another. You might not be able to speak their language, or understand their culture, but I have found that you can always LAUGH together. Whether playing a game and laughing, trying to speak each others language and laughing at your efforts, or laughing at someone being silly...I believe laughter is one of THE best tools for connecting cultures!

Here is my first-hand example of this belief:

Stephanie and Sandra are two of the Good Samaritan girls. Stephanie is 21 and was recently our first high school graduate (this is a huge deal in Haiti to be able to graduate!!). She just started her first University classes! On weekends, she stays with us and works for AwakenHaiti to begin making money to support herself. Sandra is 16 and will be moving to the USA in the coming weeks. She is also staying with us until then. Because of this, we have been trying to find entertaining things to do in the evenings together. I knew the girls loved taking pictures of themselves and so I decided to try the PhotoBooth application on my computer that distorts your faces. Oh boy, did we ever laugh! We are still laughing today!

This laughter is one more tool that is bringing our worlds together.

Stephanie is on the left of the screen and Sandra is on the right...

*Sidenote: This is not what we actually look like :)